Friday, October 5, 2012

One of my new roommates Jacob and I went up to the mountains the other day. We stopped at Molas Pass, first, which is probably irrelevant to those of you not familiar with the area. On our way back, we drove up to Spud Lake (also likely irrelevant) right as the sun was beginning to set. Our timing couldn't have been better. Jacob gave me the camera for a bit. Here's what happened:


my former boss at the coffee shop i adored working at "let me go" so that he could hire someone who had worked there before; someone who could "keep up the pace." i realize there is always room for improvement, but this had less to do with my work performance than it did with us constantly butting heads. however, he was kind enough to recommend me to colleague of his who owns a frozen yogurt shop.

i now work at a frozen yogurt shop.

the walls are obnoxious, glossy blue and goldenrod. no, that color combo isn't the worst. but in a brightly lit and sterile frozen yogurt shop with disney music and showtunes blasting overhead, it's a migraine inducing color combo.

this job may drive me to suicide.

it's so easy, so simple. anyone can do this job. i mostly wipe counters, refill toppings and kiss ass. typically, i'm a pretty solid kiss-ass. but these young, bouncy ponytail wearing girls are motherfucking experts. "oh my gosh i love your ring!??!!! where did you get it?" "are you guys having so much fun tonight?!??!!!!!" "are you german or swedish?!!!"

one girl was like, "so, are you sooooo excited about your first closing shift?" uh, yeah. it's work. of course i'm thrilled? and these girls smile and smile and smile and have the most ridiculous, maniacal laughter i've ever heard. what the shitballs is so funny? what are you on? i need to know so i know never ever to try it.

i am not against people being happy. i love being happy and i typically consider myself a moderately cheerful, easygoing lady. but christ! this is not my style at all. and what's worse is that they keep telling me how they really stress a peppy, chirpy, bubbly, enthusiastic attitudes there. do people really  like that? 

OMMMMGG!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

one day, i'm going to leave in the middle of my shift and go lay in the street. or, i'm going to flip out and start throwing toppings all over the place and smearing froyo all over my body; show them what maniacal laughter is really about.

i'm seeking other work right now, but it's not really a good time of the year. all the tourists are leaving!

this job is going to drive me to drink more, i'm afraid.

i would rather have the hairs plucked from my taint or poop in my own hands than to endure that place for more than a couple months.

and, seriously, i've already DESTROYED my resume, considering how many times i've switched jobs this year.


i bought groceries today and managed to stay under $50. that's a huge feat for me.

and an 18 year old filipino boy asked me for my number even after i had told him i'm psychotic and 24.

and my roommate cooked up some old steak shit with beans and rice.

and i'm in a great mood, believe it or not.

i like life.
like always.

even though i work at the most annoying place in durango.

that 18 year old filipino kid asked me what i want to do with myself. i said i don't know. i just want to live. for once in my life, that answer satisfied me. i hope it moves something in that kid somehow. i kind of doubt it, but who knows? i hope he realizes there is so much more to living than going to college and having a career.

but some people need that structure, i suppose. and some people fight against it and eventually learn to live without it. for the most part. (i'm not 100% sure i even agree with what i'm saying. at this point, i'm just rambling. pondering.)

anyway, i think i've said enough for tonight.

gooooooood nessss.
gooooooood niight.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Having a place to stay now is a bit disconcerting. My thoughts have shifted from, “Where should I park my car tonight?” and, “Should I spend $3.50 for a six minute shower today?” to, “Fuck. I have bills.”

I think my gypsy switch has flipped.

Roommates. Never have I lived with so many people. Five or six. I like the sounds of people living around me.

Our house is a mess. Mostly guys here. And animals. Someone described this place as "a house with a funk, but a really good funk." This house is known as the Imaginarium around town. Makes sense. I mostly don't mind the mess. It's lived in. I like the energy here so far.

But bills...Dear god. People will pay a lot for structure and security.

Having a room means I want to stay in it a lot. I don't like that. Boxing myself in.
Having a room is unsettling and comforting all at the same time.

Since coming to Colorado, I’ve dreamt a lot about children I used to care for. I don’t know what it means.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

today (thoughts)

i took music for granted before coming here. all i want right now is to lay on a floor, surrounded by some walls, listening to the music i want to hear. what do i want to hear? not bluegrass today. not jam bands, not the hardcore metal shit i liked in 2005.

i'm pretty sure dating won't be a real possibility for me here. i guess i'm okay with it. it'll be good for me. (i was once described as a serial monogamist.) there was a time in my life (two months ago?) where i'd latch onto the first guy to show me any sign of affection. how cute is that, huh? there are tons of babes here. masculine and salty smelling, athletically built, hairy arms, golden skin, tangled hair, dirty jeans. while i want to climb all of them like mountains, it usually turns out that's about all they're good for. and small towns are not ideal for whoring it up, so no "mountain climbing" for me.

i'm satisfied with my new found standards though. holy balls, i have standards now! (sorry if you're someone i've dated in the last year and a half.) imagine what it's like to not measure your self-worth by another person's affection for you. the only reason i'd like to be with someone right now is for the sake of companionship. you know, i just want a best friend because mine are back in oklahoma. but i would definitely rather be alone right now than get tangled up in some doofy relationship with some doofy guy that i'll inevitably resent because 1.) i settled, and 2.) that's what always happens.

besides, i have no plans of establishing permanent residency here. that's another thing: if the guy has no interest in travel, it's off. and by travel i mean hitchhiking and couchsurfing. all over the u.s. because that's kind of what i have in mind for my next big move. (goddamnit, and it's gonna be awhile!)

right now, a guy is texting me about sports, a subject i care nothing at all about, and one of the guys i earlier described just walked into the coffee shop.

what's wrong with me?

i want to eat chicken tenders and pizza and ice cream by the river.

i found the best spot by the river. it's my spot. you have to fall down some rocks to get to it.

i want to write something that isn't about boys and lame shit.

i am the only person in colorado that doesn't smoke weed. can you believe it? i've considered getting my weed pass here. maybe it would help me tap into my creative brain or allow me to think about things from another perspective. i just don't like the way it makes me feel.

i want to get a bottle of wine and sit by the river and play charles bukowski. it isn't exactly what it sounds like. it's not getting black out drunk, hanging out with cheap prostitutes, masturbating in the bushes, or pissing myself on the street, as one might assume. it really just means getting a bit wine drunk and attempting to write something that isn't total crap. but some people argue that bukowski is total crap. i mean, he's not exactly eloquent, nor admirable as a human being. but i still like him.

i won't be able to really write anything until i can stop giving a shit, i think.

i feel myself changing.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Telluride (2) and some other b.s.

I kind of decided I’m over my wild weekend with Joshua and no longer feel like going into extensive detail regarding our adventures. Basically, we got to Telluride and I met a lot of barefoot kids with dreadlocks. Joshua and I hit up the free box, scored a halo, weird shorts, a creepy baby doll and a troll baby. Out of nowhere, like magic, we created these personas. My name was Crystal Biscuit. We talked in ridiculous hick accents and yelled at each other all day long. People were tripping out over  the site of this precious angel baby girl hanging out with a beardy bum, hootin’ and hollerin’ all over town. It was a blast. A guy gave Joshua $20 and said it was for him, not me because I clearly didn’t need it. Another guy looked at us disgustingly and said, “I just don’t get it.” By the end of the night, we were dancing on the sidewalk to this banjo pickin’ music with these weird hippie kids. Joshua’s dog Foxxy got ahold of my baby doll and tore her up, violently. People tripped out over that, too. Some yuppy lookin’ people gave us big bear hugs and gave me a flower. I went into a bar to go potty. Those same people were rubbing each other’s feet in the bar. They were clearly on MDMA. They were having the time of their lives. The next day, I ate the shit out of a breakfast burrito and a sprinkle donut and we headed out to our hitchin’ spot.  We made it to Ridgeway and napped it out for a bit. I couldn’t get Joshua to wake up, so I got some pizza and left him in Ridgeway. He was really grouchy. He was sad that we had to go back to the real world. From Ridgeway, I went to Ouray and got a ride with a very respectable young man. He looked like my step-brother Dusty. I told him about my adventure and how I am pretty happy with my life. He worked in marketing and said he hated his job and was dissatisfied with his life. I told him to do something about it. He told me he has school debt. Whatever. He took me all the way back to Durango. I was so tired. I took a shower at my friend’s and left grime all over the tub. I tried to clean it out, but his drain sucked. I slept like a baby that night.

My mom is probably shitting herself right now, especially since I rode back alone, but it’s a different world out here. Kind of. Regardless of my trip being a wholly positive experience, I won’t ever do it again. Yeah, there’s hitchhiking in my future for sure, but I’ll do it with a normal guy. (EDIT: Seriously, no one needs to tell me what I did was dangerous and stupid on many levels. I'm fully aware, which is why I won't do it again. Thanks.)

There’s a good chance I’ll have a place to rest my head by October. I say that now, but the guy hasn’t gotten back to me yet. $400 for a room in a house with five dudes. Normal Durango prices. I’ll be downtown though, so I can walk everywhere. I don’t even care. I just want a home base in town at this point. I haven’t been staying on “the property” much lately because of the commute to and from work.  So, I’m kind of drifting from couch to couch, trying to stay in town as much as possible to save money and not freeze in the morning.

Went rock climbing/bouldering for the first time, yesterday.  I have no upper body strength, but the cool thing about climbing is that there’s usually something for all skill levels. Chris, the guy who took me, is a huge rock climbing enthusiast. That’s a serious understatement. You cannot have a conversation with him without climbing popping up. I appreciate passionate people. I want to be that enthusiastic about something. I guess I am about life.

Trying to figure out this whole “not taking myself too seriously” thing lately. I am totally consumed with myself. It’s difficult not to be. I tell myself I'm just a person, living.

Zak called me yesterday and it absolutely made my night. I miss my friends. We had a good conversation and it was weird to think we are so far apart. I can't just see her tomorrow. But it was a good conversation because it was like the ones we would have if we were sitting at my old apartment drinking wine or driving around in her car drinking Old Gory.

And then, Kristen and I still text all day about our super serious problems. Ha. I started a text yesterday, "Kristen, I need your guidance..."

I kind of just want to see those girls and hug them right now.

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