i took music for granted before coming here. all i want right now is to lay on a floor, surrounded by some walls, listening to the music i want to hear. what do i want to hear? not bluegrass today. not jam bands, not the hardcore metal shit i liked in 2005.
i'm pretty sure dating won't be a real possibility for me here. i guess i'm okay with it. it'll be good for me. (i was once described as a serial monogamist.) there was a time in my life (two months ago?) where i'd latch onto the first guy to show me any sign of affection. how cute is that, huh? there are tons of babes here. masculine and salty smelling, athletically built, hairy arms, golden skin, tangled hair, dirty jeans. while i want to climb all of them like mountains, it usually turns out that's about all they're good for. and small towns are not ideal for whoring it up, so no "mountain climbing" for me.
i'm satisfied with my new found standards though. holy balls, i have standards now! (sorry if you're someone i've dated in the last year and a half.) imagine what it's like to not measure your self-worth by another person's affection for you. the only reason i'd like to be with someone right now is for the sake of companionship. you know, i just want a best friend because mine are back in oklahoma. but i would definitely rather be alone right now than get tangled up in some doofy relationship with some doofy guy that i'll inevitably resent because 1.) i settled, and 2.) that's what always happens.
besides, i have no plans of establishing permanent residency here. that's another thing: if the guy has no interest in travel, it's off. and by travel i mean hitchhiking and couchsurfing. all over the u.s. because that's kind of what i have in mind for my next big move. (goddamnit, and it's gonna be awhile!)
right now, a guy is texting me about sports, a subject i care nothing at all about, and one of the guys i earlier described just walked into the coffee shop.
what's wrong with me?
i want to eat chicken tenders and pizza and ice cream by the river.
i found the best spot by the river. it's my spot. you have to fall down some rocks to get to it.
i want to write something that isn't about boys and lame shit.
i am the only person in colorado that doesn't smoke weed. can you believe it? i've considered getting my weed pass here. maybe it would help me tap into my creative brain or allow me to think about things from another perspective. i just don't like the way it makes me feel.
i want to get a bottle of wine and sit by the river and play charles bukowski. it isn't exactly what it sounds like. it's not getting black out drunk, hanging out with cheap prostitutes, masturbating in the bushes, or pissing myself on the street, as one might assume. it really just means getting a bit wine drunk and attempting to write something that isn't total crap. but some people argue that bukowski is total crap. i mean, he's not exactly eloquent, nor admirable as a human being. but i still like him.
i won't be able to really write anything until i can stop giving a shit, i think.
i feel myself changing.
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